Thursday, November 13, 2014

Spirit Speaks - Self-Loathing and My Cat

Spirit speaks in whispers.  
Seldom is the writing on the wall.  
Though last night, it was in my hall.

11/11 or Veteran's Day saw me enveloped in a bad mood.

I didn't begin my day in this state.  I awakened early to take the keys to the mechanic diagnosing my car.  It had to be towed the prior night.  Before dropping off the keys, I sat outside and listened to the robins sing.  They had not been present like this since Spring.  I felt such joy. Their chorus was the perfect gift on this day I had intentionally set aside to listen.

Sometime around mid-morning though anger wrapped itself around me.

I asked Jerry and the cats to not take it personally. I wanted to scream, vent, and shout and I didn't know why.  I felt possessed by negative energy.

Mid-afternoon, I put Redbud who's just over a year old in his room.  Redbud is rambunctious.  I didn't want him picking up on my anger and acting out.  Animals do this just like kids. They pick up on and react to our vibes.

Entering RB's room is when I noticed the stone.

When Redbud first came to live with us, I asked a friend for suggestions as to stones that might be of benefit to him.  She named three. I researched them and they were spot on.  So I put three stones in his room along the edge of the window where he couldn't get to them but would hopefully benefit energetically from their presence.

I had forgotten about the stones until I saw the smoky quartz in the middle of the bedroom floor.  I smiled and placed it back on the ledge and ensured he was safely in his room.

Then I went to my room where I yelled at God, my guides and angels.  I told them what I thought about them interspersed with four letter words.

This tantrum did not help. I felt consumed. This may sound freaky to you but I felt like black goo was energetically coming out of me.  As someone trained in somatic (body) therapy, I'm comfortable with this.  I just didn't want to be dealing with black goo on 11/11. I wanted to be listening, listening to peace-filled, personal messages coming to me not angry ones.

11/11 could not end soon enough. I was disappointed and upset with myself.

I tried to write or actually re-write a Veteran's Day story I wrote years ago.  I got lost in my head rewording sentences I had not planned.  I freed Redbud and fed the cats, watched the news (something I never do and may never do again), and suffered through dinner then went to bed.

That's when I saw the stone again.  

Redbud had been freed from his room but the door was closed.

Lying in the hallway was the smoky quartz just outside the door to what we call RB's room.

Spirit speaks in whispers. Seldom is the writing on the wall.  In that moment, the 'writing' was in my hall.

I knew the stone was for me.

(Redbud is my messenger cat. He is the reason I didn't back out of hiking into the Grand Canyon a year ago. Within two weeks of his being in our home, he found a file I had forgotten. One morning I opened the door to 'his' room to find a newspaper about the Grand Canyon lying in the middle of the floor. I had been debating whether I had the stamina to backpack over twenty miles in the canyon although I intuitively knew I was suppose to. Redbud's message settled that question.)

I picked up the smoky quartz and went to bed with "Love is in the Earth," my crystal go-to book in hand.

Redbud's message through smoky quartz was more perfect than I could have imagined.  Smoky quartz helps with negative states as well as protection from negativity and issues related to the hands. (My hands had been feeling carpal tunnel-ish lately and I was quietly concerned.)

I fell asleep knowing my angels were at my side, the feline and the winged kind.

First thing this morning, I sat outside with smoky quartz between my palms in prayer. I asked that Mother Earth, Father Sky, the Divine and all my angels take the dark energy from me and turn it into love so no one else would receive or absorb it.

And I heard myself say a word, I don't think I've ever said.  I actually asked that my self-loathing and hate be taken.

Self-loathing and hate?

Yes, those words came to me as naturally as breathing.  Intuitively I suddenly knew this is what the energy in me felt like and I don't consciously think of myself in these ways.

I felt the mood depart and got why I had felt this way.

After hearing the robins sing, I posted a song to Facebook.  I actually posted me singing a song that came to me honoring Veteran's Day five years ago. Afterwards the mood arrived because I was unconsciously feeling vulnerable. I sing in the shower, the car and over the phone for occasional birthdays. I do not sing publicly.  I was afraid, afraid people would judge and laugh at me.

Yet self-loathing?

I was angry at myself for giving anyone else power over me.  I was furious that I was concerned with what anyone thought of my singing and judged myself right and left for 'wasting' my day. This snowballed into an internal tirade about my lifetime of "wasted" days.

This was even more perfect when I reread the Celestial Timing for November 11.  (I read it that morning and forgot!)  The Moon entered Leo Tuesday morning. This is connected to healthy self-love including the ability to greet the dark parts of myself with the same gracious embrace as I greet the light. 

Rather than resist and struggle with my darkness, I was being asked to embrace my mood and listen. 

As I sat with the smokey quartz, I can honestly say peace and joy replaced the mood.  Peace and joy have continued to be my partners and I am grateful for the anger that was trying to get my attention.  It just wanted me to realize that I am here to be me regardless of what others think.  I am here to repeatedly put myself "out there" and be with what that stirs "in here." Living from this space every day is exactly how it's meant to be.


How do you experience Spirit, God, Life's Mystery speaking to you? 

Do you listen?  

Are you curious about the whispers that come your way through intuitive clues as to your path? 

Do you greet and embrace your dark side? 

Are you really YOU regardless of what others think? 

Imagine that Shift.                                                              -Dawn, the Good News Muse 12 Nov. 2014 

No comments: