(I did not intentionally write this story after one about lilies and June bugs. That's just how it happened and for me this is grace. Savor, Dawn)
In light of upcoming surgery, I've been paying particular attention to my body. (Yes, the little lump I wrote of in
December is going away. As time draws near I'm ambivalent about its departure, yet it's departure at this time feels so right.) I've given this much thought as well as paid attention to my intentions during surgery. (To friends reading this, this is why I've not spoken of my journey. To put into audible words, what I'm turning over inside stops the turning.)
Last week I began to envision myself as light, like the Light of rocks and roots. I shared this with my daily meditation group Saturday and how I want to take that Light on my journey to the Underworld as I'm anesthetized.
Initially I thought "under" anesthesia may be the most vulnerable a person gets, not having a clue what's going on or being able to control what's happening to one's body. Realizing this, I felt connected to the vulnerable in the world, from infants and children, to the elderly, the plants and so many animals. I imagined carrying their vulnerability with me on this journey into the unknown. In journeying through surgery with awareness, I sensed I could empower not only myself but the vulnerable in the world.
The idea of
going under made me really think about where I wanted to go while
under. I began to imagine journeying not just into the depths but to the heights as well, as the surgeon lifts the little lump from my saliva gland. I began to trust that I would be taken wherever my soul needed to go. Suddenly I realized I didn't fell vulnerable at all as I don't feel sick or ill. Surgery is part of my journey.
After Saturday's call with my friends, I was tired but also had the urge to go to Burgess Falls for a walk. I wondered if I would regret this.
Was I pushing myself in fear of missing nature while recovering?
We pulled out of the drive and left home a different way. Down the street and around the corner, my breath was taken as I saw nine vultures perched in a huge dead tree., three of them with wings outspread, worshiping the Sun it seemed.
(Although I later read vultures do this to dry their wings, I prefer Sun worshiping as legend says the
vulture was the one animal capable of successfully pushing the Sun away from Earth when it was getting too near. It saved Earth while loosing the feathers on its head.)
I had seen this once prior earlier in Spring as several worshiped the Sun their wings open wide on a rock near our house. Saturday as we watched, these majestic birds took flight, trustfully stepping into air and gliding gracefully. I thought I had received my gift for the day. Their flight was reminder as to how I want to navigate surgery and my life.
At Burgess Falls, I stood on the riverbank and owned my weariness in prayer while also speaking aloud that I was joining France and the Grand Canyon here in the Middle of rural Tennessee. I had not consciously intended this, but prior to leaving home I grabbed a stone found on the dirt floor of a French church and a piece of wood from Havasu Canyon and placed them in my pocket.
I owned aloud
that I was here prior to my surgery to give and receive from the rocks and trees as they swaddle and support me in this time.
We hiked along Falling River arriving at Small and Middle falls before reaching the Big falls. Not wanting to risk poison ivy prior to surgery I only hiked down partially and lay at the top of the Falls on a rock.
Rock and wood in hand, I lay on the rock shaded by trees next to the Falling River feeling myself in the flow of life. I held and was held by the two things whose light I wanted to hold in surgery, the Light of the stone and the light of the roots.
I lay there listening and "taking in" (a phrase I recalled my stoic father once using with me as he lay dying of cancer). I recalled the
Hopi teachings that refer to these times, telling us to let go of the shore and go into the middle of the river.
I did this for so long that I became concerned about Jerry. Where was my traveling companion, the one who having grown up in the farming Midwest loves water falls but does not swim? I found him sitting in the water amidst the beautiful falls above me. How could I resist? The water was part of why I needed to make this weekend pilgrimage to the falls. The last time I had sat in healing waters were in Havasu Falls a year prior with my friend Karen.
At some point during S
aturday's sit, I lifted my hand from the water to find an animal on my hand. Yes, an animal in this rushing water was on my hand and I was not surprised. I was delighted. It was a tiny worm of sorts. Now before you say, "Yuck" or "Gross" it was less than a half-inch and when you've had your hand in rushing water and an animal is clinging to you, well....I took this seriously.
I said, "Hello" as it crawled on my arm. Why on earth was a worm on my arm? I talked to it and honored it but as I did I watched it. I began to feel uneasy. Two tiny little claws of sorts at its rear side served as anchors I suspected on the mossy, muddy rock. These little claws were ever so slightly anchored in my arm as the worm explored which way to crawl. Like a good Southerner I tried to stay hospitable, while internally feeling otherwise. It would anchor, explore then crawl, re-anchor, explore then crawl.
I placed my hand in the water, quietly hoping the worm would move on. It didn't. I tried to relocate it a couple of times when suddenly in a flash, fear overcame me. Without even a good-bye, I swiped my hand into a rough area and it, the worm not my hand, was gone.
I felt relief and regret with its absence for in a flash I knew I had contributed to the larger level of fear in the world in my sudden and surprising reaction. Like a relationship that suddenly ends and one person is given the chop without explanation, I didn't even think to say, "You scare me so I'm gonna have to say good-by."
I felt so sad. I take seriously living from a place of love and I'm also reminded of Jesus words "what you have done to the least of these you have done to me." I don't think it a stretch that we are to include the animal kingdom in the 'least of these.'
We began our hike out in wet clothes, me grateful but disappointed in my action. Climbing to the top of the trail, I looked down once again wanting to avoid poison ivy. Suddenly my mood shifted as I spotted crawling on my leg, yes, one of the little worms. I was getting a DO-OVER !!!!!
Can you feel how happy that made me? I walked along in such joy as this tiny creature explored my leg. It was only when it began to go inside my boot potential impending death for it not me, that I began to consider what I was going to do with it. We came upon a stream that fed into the river where I found such joy air lifting this little creature in love, gratitude and peace from my leg to some muddy moss in the stream.
Our hike ended but the companions in my story were not forgotten. What gifts I was given by the vultures and the worm. I had no idea when we left home that I would be found by one of the largest of the flying animals and the smallest of the crawling creatures both misunderstood and both I would have earlier considered "vulnerable." Instead they are my wise teachers empowering me in this journey. I do not have to fear missing Nature while I go
under or am away for they go with me.
The vulture of the air symbol of spirit, and the worm of the water symbol of emotion and fluidity, both ride currents, one water, one air.
In two mornings, contrary to what I thought, I will not carry the Vulnerable with me. The Vulnerable aren't really vulnerable. They are courageous. I will carry with me all the Courageous, Loving and Wise of the world as I go
under with the worm from Falling River and flying to great heights with the vulture.
In the sacred ritual together of surgery, we will carry the Light of the stone and the roots while riding the current that is my life.
Stone and tree, vulture and worm
Have come to me so I may learn.
What speaks to you in these times? Imagine the Shift of riding the current that flows through your life?
-Dawn, the Good News Muse, 5 August 2010
P.S. At the end of my morning walk, I met this dog and her owner at the corner of my street. I saw a wolf in this dear dog's face. Jen, who I learned is a new
neighbor across the street, allowed me to take the photo. I explained that I knew the wolf, an animal that is dear to me, would be accompanying me during upcoming surgery. I was gifted with a beautiful confirmation. This young woman on my street for only three weeks shared that a friend of hers, an anesthesiologist, had written a paper on a French doctor's studies as to how we go into a dream state in surgery.
My wish for each of us is that we continue to awaken to the deeper and higher levels of Mystery that surrounds us in these times. Many blessings of love until my return. Dawn
It's evening as I sit outside something I've not really done since surgery. The sun has moved through the sky, its light now perfectly angled spotlighting the small Japanese maple in our backyard.
