This is what happened a week ago as I sat in my yard and finally cried.
Two weeks prior I experienced the same. My intention that evening had been to sing at sunset over the valley of hood doos a few steps outside my cabin door.
Instead I ended up at an astronomy talk at the Bryce Canyon Lodge. I specifically found myself in the floor by the stage in a room packed with over two hundred people as a NASA volunteer shared slide after slide of various manmade crafts in space and on planets. I wanted to scream, "This is insane" upon learning one such craft has mapped the minerals found on Mars and another is actually drilling there.
As the presenter began I suddenly realized my intention to sing (which many of those present would have equally considered insane).
As the hour-long talk that I thought would never end concluded, I hurriedly left with my laptop, camera and phone in hand.
I rushed through the dark to my cabin weeping all the way.
Then it happened. For the third time in two weeks, I fell. Not seeing the sidewalk, I tripped and landed on my knee and elbow while lifting, like a waitress with a tray, the technology I carried - technology that I'm certain had an assist from NASA in its creation.
I had just trekked 28 miles into the Grand Canyon and back without falling once. Yet this particular evening and two other times recently I had tripped, slipped and stumbled.
Ordinary life is evidently more challenging for me than adventures like hiking in the Grand Canyon.
Jerry who was trying to keep up with me exclaimed, "Are you alright?" as I was already up and down the sidewalk continuing to cry.
I was headed to bed to have a "good cry." I made it to the bed where I quickly realized in each of these falls I could have easily broken a bone especially when my feet slide out from under me on slick steps at home and I landed three steps down still talking on the phone while holding a half-gallon glass jar of water. I kept right on talking, phone and jar in my hands while thinking, 'My angels held me just then.'
I got it. That night at Bryce Canyon I got it. I have been held. I had a choice. I could cry in the bed or I could continue with what felt like my mission.
I walked to the stones and specifically down a path where one particular stone looks like a male watching over the valley below the rim.
And I sang. I sang to the hoo doo's that to me feel very much alive.
I had no regrets. The timing was perfect.
When I am focused on my path, the one external that is aligned with the one internal, I have no fears. I judge nothing 'insane' for I intuitively know we and Earth are held. We are held in this Great Time.
And yet I still wonder about this outer space thing. We have for decades sent people into outer space yet how many allow inner space for experience, especially tears, to flow?
Even I at times resist as I question: Why am I crying? What is this about? I need to know before letting go.
I forget experience is and tears just are.
As happened Thursday night, when I honor them and let them flow releasing questions and attempts at control, my tears are followed by a sense of great peace and rest.
I am grateful to be able to cry. This is one of the many gifts of the heart.
Do you allow to come through you whatever needs to flow or do you try to control your experience by analyzing and trying to figure it out first?
May we all allow to come through us whatever needs to flow.
And may we have a felt sense that we are held. We are held.
-Dawn, The Good News Muse 16 Oct. 2014