An Accidental Outing

It's seldom I get a remark in the comment section of my blog. Thus not long ago after posting a Musing I was surprised to find three quick comments actually at the site. I immediately recognized the first person, but the second one puzzled me. I knew several "Barbaras" so I clicked on the name and was immediately taken to information about this person including her own blog.

Her own blog? What? This was someone I knew or at least thought I knew. I went to the site and was flooded with reactions while reading these amazing poems, ripe and real pieces that felt like they had come pouring from my friend.

This prompted my own pouring of sorts. Questions came spillng out: Wait? Where have I been? Does everyone but me know about this site? I was hurt. I've not been that out of touch.

I scanned and read and the more I scanned and read, the more I had to admit, the voice of fear welled up within.

Fear said, "You've been writing these simple stories that are nothing compared to your friend's electric poems. She has amazing energy and will have a book pubished long before you. Don't forget she's really extroverted too. This makes for an exceptional marketer."

I told myself and Fear that there was enough creative abundance in the Universe for me and 10,000 other authors I've yet to meet. Fear promptly reminded me of the magainze and newspaper closures as well as the publishing downturn in the past year, not to mention the popularity of the internet over actual handheld books.

Fortunately my friend's rich expressions excited me more than Fear scared me. I quickly sent an email wanting to know why I didn't know about this. I shared the scope of my reaction from bewilderment to excitement and yes, even my competitive fears.

Barbara intially freaked out. Aware her blog was accessible but certain it would not be found, she had accidentally, indirectly outed herself. Through responding to my story, she had unknowingly provided me a trail to her. Our internet encounter gave us both a beautiful trail to aspects of our fears -hers, the fear of being seen and mine, that she'd be seen first.


We were both outed and in turn we outed the two simple but potent fears that run many of our lives thus much of our world, the fear of really being seen and the fear of loosing out or not being seen. Who does not have some degree of fear around really being seen especially when vulnerable? Who does not have a fear of loosing or at least a desire to not loose when competition is built into the American system beginning in school as we vie to see who can color within the lines best and later make A's? Classroom competition sets the stage for the rest of our lives as we compete for the best stock portfolio, zip code, outfit, golf score and lawn as well as our rooting at times rabidly for our sports team and political candidate. If competition quietly or not so quietly runs us, none of us, at least Americans, will rush to reveal our fears or relinquish a need to win.

Since my encounter with Barbara, others have unknowingly offered little probes and tests of sorts to see if I could continue outing myself. A facebook friend I had just met asked if I'd be a guest writer on her site. I visited the site and was instantly intimidated by her capacity to weave concepts and words. I waited a day before responding. I said "Yes" then outed myself and my Fear once again.

After this another friend from long ago shared that my writing made her feel shallow. I shared with her my experience of the day prior, of feeling just as she had felt "shallow" while comparing myself to another. As I told my friend, everytime we compare ourself to another, we not only create separation within by judging ourselves but we in turn create separation from the other.

The other piece of this that's intrigued me is my interactions thus far have all been with women. How is it that we women, the relational gender, the sex supposedly taught to build interpersonal bridges are walking around harboring fears that create divides and separate us? How is it we've bought into the predominantly male paradigm of competition quietly comparing and contrasting ourselves to one another? How is it we women have allowed this to happen???

The gift for me in this is that having the courage to be honest with my friend lifted any fears at least at this point that she will do 'better than me.' Tomorrow that may change and I will let her know. For today I find great joy in the thought of rushing to be the first in line at her book signing.

Owning my fears even though my fears at times seem endless, personally frees me and lightens the world's quantum load of fear as well. There's a beauty in outing oneself - in owning one's in-sides to the out-side world. This level of honesty, risk and courage heals the tears in the web of relatedness in one's inner world and the outer world. The more we do this, the more we live from the inside out, the more we truly realize we are not separate. We are one.

Imagine the shift if we had a National Day of Outings, a day designated for showing and sharing a hidden part of oneself, not seeking another's approval or care, but simply owning a part of who you are that seldom gets spoken to by yourself, you to you, or spoken of to others.

Until that happens, find inspiration for your own outing by reading some of my friend Barbara's poems at recyclablereflections.blogspot.com. Yes, she agreed to let me out them here so do take a look and imagine the shift in your own life if you lived from the inside out. Diminish your own and the world's load of fear!

-Dawn! The Good News Muse with permission of Barbara 4/16/10